Oh hello my darling blog, you poor neglected wee thing…

Well I’m hardly going to win any blogger of the year awards at this rate am I? Part of me can’t believe it’s been two months since my last post, part of me sometimes forgets I have this little space on the internet at all. I often feel like I have nothing to write about, nothing to say that hasn’t already been said and certainly nothing that adds any value to the world. And yet on other days my mind is racing a hundred miles a minute and I feel like I could write forever. Someone should learn to bottle that.

So what’s new with me? Well lots really, I’ll break it down for you, you may want to grab a drink before we get started!

So after five months, 60+ applications (and only 5 responses) I finally got myself not one but two jobs! My main one is an administrative role 25 hours a week with a charity that helps victims of crime and so far I’m really enjoying it. Being a super thrifty miss that’s enough income to get by but nothing left over to save (or enjoy myself) so I’ve also got a part time job in a cinema for extra cash and it’s a good way to meet new people.

I’m still in my flat in Glasgow City Centre and despite a few, let’s say, technical difficulties (like the fact that I lost the mail key and had to pay £96 to get a new lock fitted – *vomits*) I’ve settled in well and I’m really enjoying it. I have everything I need nearby and am loving getting to know Glasgow better, particularly the restaurants, the food here is wonderful! In fact, that last few times I’ve been away it’s felt like home when I’ve come back so I’m pretty certain me and Glasgow are gonna do just fine for now.

I suppose the number two reason for not blogging (after misplaced mojo) has been the fact that uni studies have dominated the last few months of my life. For those of you who don’t know, I’m doing an Open University degree in Health and Social Care in my spare time. Generally this takes me about 10 hours a week and I really enjoy it, plus I’m getting qualifications that back up my skills so it’s all good. the past two months have been hellish though. I’ve felt like I’ve constantly been playing catch up. My exam was last Thursday and since I hadn’t taken an exam in ten years I found myself into a bit of a panic, unable to think straight, sleep, eat and all the rest. Of course, this was utter nonsense and once the day arrived I felt absolutely fine bar a few fleeting idiotic thoughts like “what if all my pens run out” (I had four) and “what if the invigilator is really sexy and I can’t focus on the paper” (he was not sexy). It’s all over with now though, I’m sure I did fine and eagerly await my results in August. I’ve registered for my second year and I’ll be studying Working with Children, Young People and Families from October. Extra bonus is that my fees were waived because I’ve been unemployed!

I unexpectedly fell into a thing with a boy then fell out of it almost as quickly. Right now being on my own feels good, I’m more happy in myself, it’s nice to only think about my wants and needs. I’ve been making wonderful Glasgow based friends and am particularly fond of the girls (and guys!) from my book club who I look forward to seeing every month, although we tend to see each other in between meetings too. I always thought I wouldn’t enjoy a book club as I’m a bit opinionated about literature but it’s great fun, I’d highly recommend joining or starting one.

I’ve also been strengthening my other friendships too. Isn’t it odd how sometimes moving away from people makes you closer? Well I’ve found that with some of my Aberdeen based friends and I’ve never felt luckier to have those people in my life, watching my back, rooting for me. In fact, I’m just home from an annual camping weekend that some of us take feeling rejuvenated and revitalised. This year we went to Gairloch on the west coast, about 20 of us all together including two teeny tiny babies who were most excellent company. We stayed at the Sands campsite a few miles north of Gairloch with a gorgeous beach, lots of space and we hired bikes for a 5 mile cycle to the pub for dinner via a coffee shop with actually the best chocolate fudge cake I’ve ever eaten (and I’ve eaten a lot of it). However, one of the best things is always the drive over through some of the most beautiful countryside you could find anywhere in the world. Scotland is seriously pretty and our annual camping trip always reminds me how lucky I am to call this place home. Here are some photos from the trip although I never take enough.

I’ve not been cooking as much as I used to but the best things I’ve made recently are The Pioneer Woman’s Spicy Lemon Garlic Shrimp (like, on a weekly basis, all of my blood becomes butter) and Budget Bytes’ Spinach and Artichoke Pasta. I rarely bake anymore but I think this is because I have fewer people in my life who I can feed and there doesn’t seem much point. I’ve been listening to a lot of new music. Currently soundtracking my life are the new Tom Vek and Friendly Fires albums along with a lot of Admiral Fallow, Black Keys and The Jezabels. On occasion I am struck by the need to create so I’ve been knitting and sewing and a spot of crafting here and there. As soon as I finished my exam I went out and treated myself to a notebook and I’ve started writing bits and pieces for a book. Only a few pages so far but the first steps are in place. I’ve even applied for my drivers licence at long last although whether I can actually afford lessons remains to be seen.

There are things that have made me feel way way down in the dumps lately too. Not necessarily things that have happened to me but sad things like friends dying or going through horrible experiences beyond their control or the trawling through crap that you feel is dealt with but maybe just isn’t. The kind of shit that makes you wander really what the point is after all. But it’s not like me to think like that so for me, life is pretty good and I’ve got lots to look forward to. I have lots of gigs coming up, visits from friends and I’ll be spending a few days in Edinburgh for the Fringe Festival. My sister Rhea is moving to London so I’ll be taking advantage of her hospitality and my other sister Fern is going to start a Business Studies with French degree so we’ve agreed to practice with each other. I’ve got a good stack of books I can finally get around to reading.

Sadly I am also REALLY bad at keeping up with blogs these days. Occasionally I put my feet up with a coffee or a glass of wine and trawl through my Google Reader but I haven’t left a comment in months. For that I am ashamed because I know there was a time when I felt really passionate about blogging and being part of the community that comes with it. I am really grateful for all the comments and emails from people who’ve wondered where I’ve gone though, those cheer me up know end and I even got a telling off from my Mum for not keeping all you lovely supportive readers in the loop. I don’t know if this post will be the start of a more regular desire to blog, or if it will be the last thing I ever post. Who knows where or when the desire will strike? However, I am on Twitter and you can follow me @hollyjunesmith if you’d like to see more of my daily musings. I’m also on Pinterest if you’d like to see the things that are inspiring me or making my tummy rumble. And finally, if you’re a Glasgow based reader, I am still new to your lovely city and always love meeting new people so do get in touch if you fancy a coffee or would like to show off your favourite places.

The Best Things About My Worst Case Scenario

On Thursday I wrote my Worst Case Scenario and if I’m honest, I was a little surprised at some of the feelings that tumbled out. A few days have now passed and I am pleased to report that my mood has been 100% better.

A couple of people remarked that it wasn’t really a fun poke at what life might be like if I didn’t get my way, it was more like giving up.

Reading it back I’ve realised a few rather important things:

I didn’t mention family or friends. Not because they don’t matter to me, but because I know that regardless of what happens to me or where I end up, my family and friends will be supportive. I’m seriously lucky to have such a wonderful, varied, clever bunch of people rooting for me both on and offline.

As for job hunting, the odds are in my favour. I have lots of skills and qualities that I can take to loads of different jobs. I’m confident, adaptable, resilient, easy to get on with. In three months I will have finished my first year of my degree (there’s no way I’ll fail, I’m rocking an 90 average on my essays) and I’ll be even more employable. So far, I’ve only been applying for jobs with charities I really want to work for but from now on I’m widening my search.

So what if I end up having to sell my camera or my sewing machine? Sure, they mean a lot to me but they’re just material possessions. I wouldn’t save them in a fire. They can be replaced.

It’s highly outrageous to worry about never falling in love or becoming a mother. I’m 25, not 105. And I don’t need to be in a relationship in order to be my best self. I am my best self, for myself.

I was surprised at how upset I felt at the thought of never travelling because I’ve never really wanted to jet off round the world and get lost in strange cities. I think this had a lot to do with the fact that I had literally just been away but it’s made me realise how much I value getting away, even if it’s just a few days somewhere in Scotland. I’m now thinking about my next couple of trips and ensuring there’s always a little bit of adventure ahead in my life.

Clearly money is weighing heavy on my mind but after a chat with The Thrifty Chick last week I realised that I’m mainly scared of going back to my old spendy ways. This is never going to happen. Stopping Shopping changed my life and my mindset completely. It took a long time to save the money I’m living on at the moment so it’s bound to feel strange watching the numbers go down instead of up. However, I know that once I’m earning again I’ll start saving again. Simple.

Considering I climbed trees and fed ducks all by myself this week, just because I felt like it, I’ve no reason to be fearful of losing my passion for life and its simple pleasures. My days are soundtracked with new music and old music and music from friends and I won’t ever stop enjoying it. It is highly unlikely that I will develop an allergy to cereal and cheese.

So I’m not even close to living out my worst case scenario. I can’t really say what my best case scenario would be, but for now I’m ok with being somewhere in the middle of the two (but nearer the top than the bottom). Oh and on Saturday I saw my first bumblebee of the year. A sure sign that things are on their way up.

My Worst Case Scenario

I took a little break in the last couple of weeks and spent ten wonderful days all over the place. First in London for a bloggers weekend where I finally got to meet some of you face to face! Then Kat and I jetted off to Mallorca for a few sun filled days (photos soon) before I headed back to London to meet one of my oldest Twitter friends Alex and finally spent a few days on the Isle of Wight with my friend Jack enjoying being lost for a bit before heading back to reality.

I gotta say, it felt good to get away. It’s been a weird few months and a bit of escapism was so needed. Feeling rejuvenated, I was looking forward to getting back but now I’m in the throes of a post holiday slump and finding it hard to reassure myself things won’t always be this way.

Alex Franzen recently wrote a great post How To Survive When Everything Else Sucks and one of the things she suggested was to write your Worst Case Scenario. Y’know, what life would be like if things got real, real bad.

So here’s mine. Raw, unedited, just as the feelings poured out. It was cathartic. And now I might need to take some time to assess it. If you are also in a trough of sorts at the moment, I’d highly recommend doing this. Just have a lot of tissues nearby.

Worst Case Scenario

I spend the rest of the year applying for hundreds of jobs, tailoring every application, putting myself out there and getting rejection after rejection (or hearing nothing).

I plough through my relocation fund and subsequently my emergency fund and live a miserly existence stuck indoors, unable to see my friends because I need to spend as little as possible because, duh, I don’t have a job.

I live on two minute noodles and supermarket own brand Weetabix because they’re cheap and I make myself ill.

I have to sell my camera and my sewing machine.

I can no longer afford to live in Glasgow without work and have to move back in with my parents. I spend my days sitting on a remote farm looking at fields, curled up in front of the fire, getting roped into crappy farm jobs by my Mum. I can’t go anywhere because I can’t drive yet and can’t afford to learn.

I fail my Open University degree, I don’t even care.

I never find a job that makes me buzz. I never do anything that helps anyone, or motivate others, or work in an environment where I feel valued and able to contribute and express myself freely. A job that appreciates my worth and pays me well enough so that I can afford to enjoy good food, spend time with my favourite people, create new never-forget memories and get away occasionally.

I never travel, not loads, but not even a bit.

I never fall in love again. I never meet someone who respects me and inspires me and encourages me to be my best self.

I end up working in a newsagents for minimum wage selling cigarettes to people who need lung transplants and scratch-cards to gambling addicts.

I never become a mother.

I stop listening to music. I never ride a bike again, or ski. I lose my passion for climbing trees.

I develop an allergy to cereal. And cheese.

 

All Change

The past few weeks have been intense and up and down and overwhelming and of course, that means no blog posts.

Recently a friend tweeted “Reading a blog belonging to one of you & really enjoying it. It’s really well written, positive and makes me smile.” At that precise moment I really needed a bit of that stuff so I asked her for a link. That blog she was reading turned out to be mine. I was really surprised someone found it so positive, particularly given my recent circumstances. And then I realised a big home truth.

I don’t ever blog when things aren’t good. What you see here is all the stuff I’m feeling excited and positive about. Occasionally there’ll be a glimpse into some of my worries and fears about money and not having a job but you’ll hardly ever see me complain and whinge and moan. If you follow me on Twitter you’ll find a more accurate incite into the general ebbs and flows of daily life but here? All sunshine and cupcakes.

Why do I do this? I think it’s partly because I hate negativity. I don’t mind the odd well-humoured rant here and there but I loathe grumpiness online. If a blog is full of posts grumbling about how crap things are, I won’t subscribe to it. If a Twitter account is a constant stream of bitching and whining, I’ll unfollow it. I like my time online to leave me feeling fulfilled and inspired, not weary and depressed. It’s also partly because I’m job hunting and I know potential employers might stumble across my blog (hello there!) and I’d hate for anyone to exclude me from consideration because something I’ve written has presented me in negative light. I’m only human though, no matter how hard I try, life isn’t a brilliant adventure all the time.

So what’s new? Well, everything. Michael and I recently made the mutual decision to end our relationship and go our separate ways. You’ll remember we were staying with his parents in Ayr so I went back to Aberdeen for a few days to get some perspective. Suddenly being faced with a situation where I have no job, no home and no relationship was more than a little intimidating. Always positive, I tried to view it as a totally clean slate, the chance to truly do whatever I please and only consider myself. Oh boy was that a lot of pressure. Some people encouraged me to move back in to my old place, others suggested going travelling for a bit, I considered Au Pairing abroad all with the constant niggle about what would happen if I run out of savings.

The freedom to do whatever I like is a powerful thing, but I’ve likened it to going to a restaurant with a 14 page menu when all you want is something comforting like macaroni cheese. I saw this quote by Phillip Pullman recently:

“When you choose one way out of many, all the ways you don’t take are snuffed out like candles, as if they’d never existed.”

And then it clicked. I just needed to choose one option and go with it. So I chose to stay in Glasgow. I like it here, I’ve started job hunting and making friends, I knew I would regret not giving it a shot if I went elsewhere. Fortunately, I managed to find a flat pretty quickly and yesterday I moved in! It’s really central, really reasonable and I’m sharing with a guy and a girl who are both really nice.

Here’s what the room looked like when I moved in:

Bit bare but loads of space! In fact I don’t think I’ve ever had a bedroom this big.

Here are all my worldly possessions in one place. Well, 80% of my worldly possessions, I still have a few bits and pieces in Aberdeen. I can’t tell you what a good feeling it was knowing I can fit all my stuff in one small car. After unpacking we headed to IKEA for a few things and I spent the rest of the evening making my room look like this:

As a person who used to have wild ambitions of accumulating her own personal library, I’m amazed at how empty that bookcase is. I’m hoping I’ll be able to get some artwork on the walls to make it a little bit more ‘me’ but there’s obviously loads of space to play around with the room.

So that’s one big life decision made. For now I’m in Glasgow, still job hunting, still studying, still volunteering, still exploring, still making new friends and for now all of that is nothing to complain about.

How Are We Making Extra Money Now?

When I first embraced frugality head on, I was hardcore into spending as little as possible in a bid to pay off debts and save some money. I was also into making extra money on top of my salary in any way I could. The personal finance community was really big on this, everyone seemed to have ways for supplementing income and forever going on about “snowflakes” and “snowballs” (which I’m still not sure I got the grasp of).

Personally, I made about £800 during my year off shopping through a combination of techniques, most of which don’t hold the same appeal or promising levels of income for me anymore.

• Selling books, CDs, DVDs on Amazon – very successful but seems pointless now as popularity has grown and everything is listed as 1p. After p+p and fees I wouldn’t make much this way anymore.
• Selling shoes, bags and homewares on eBay – I’ve streamlined my belongings so much that I don’t have much left to sell!
• Selling old Mobile phones to Mazuma – I made about £150 selling my old phones and then another £160 last month, this is a great way to make cash, especially if you always get free upgrades every two years.
• Holding a car boot sale – HATED this. Made about £30 after battling for hours with ultimate cheapskates. Never again.
• Holding a clothes auction with some of the proceeds going to charity – I think this was post-Stopping Shopping actually but it was a really good event, most people who came made about £30, got some great clothes really cheap and we raised about £300 for charity.
• Selling cakes at work – I don’t think I made a huge profit as I’d just go and spend the money on more ingredients.
• Babysitting – Enjoyed this but gave up after the time a Mum texted at 11pm and asked if I could stay the night as her friend had had an accident and they had to go to A&E. I agreed and when she came back in the morning her two kids ratted her out by shouting “YOU SMELL LIKE A MAN!!!” Funny on reflection but I was less pleased at the time having spent the whole night with two crying kids telling them I didn’t know when their Mum would return.
• Online Surveys – In about two years I made a tenner. Now it seems that every one I get sent I am eventually ineligible for.

I know lots of people made a good additional income from cashback sites but this never appealed to me. It always seemed like I’d be signing up for things I didn’t need or getting cashback on things I wasn’t allowed to buy in the first place. I also couldn’t think anything worse than doing paid clicks and whatnot. I know some bloggers make a good little chunk from advertising on their blogs but again, this didn’t appeal to me as I like content to stay my own.

I suppose it’s inevitable really. The bulk of my extra income came from selling things I didn’t need and since I didn’t replace them I no longer have much to sell on. I’d like to get back into making a little extra cash (or any cash… still job-hunting) but I’m just not sure what the best way to go about that is any more. For me it’s all about Time Vs Money. I don’t really want to spend hours packing parcels for 80p each or entire days hanging out in a car-park flogging tat. I’d rather have the time and forgo the cash.

What do you think? Has the extra money making bubble burst? Has the appeal of pulling in a few extra quid lost it’s sparkle? And if not, how are you making extra cash these days?

Love Your Library

It’s no secret that I love libraries and always have. As a child my best friend and I used to regularly visit the tiny local library and spend hours looking at books. We started a secret note swap club that basically involved leaving notes for each other in books, telling each other which books they were in and watching as each other wondered over and found the note and giggled with glee. Super top secret stuff! Occasionally my Dad took me to the library in Winchester, a grand old building where I often disappeared upstairs to read books about ghosts in the adults section. I thought the Michael Jackson song ‘Liberian Girl’ was called ‘Librarian Girl’. I wanted to be the librarian (but she had quite scary hair I recall).

I still love to wonder about between the stacks and have a good rummage in various sections, often coming away with a hoard of books I won’t possibly be able to read before they’re due back. Some of the best books I’ve read have been ones I’ve stumbled across but would never have considered spending money on. And that’s the best thing about libraries, access to so much information that you can take away for free! In Aberdeen we also have a huge multimedia lending centre where you can rent DVDs for £2.10 and CDs for 90p, much cheaper than Blockbuster and the World Cinema selection is awesome. There’s a brilliant information centre which I like to visit so I can pore over atlases and maps from around the world. There are computer facilities, a really cheap but tasty cafe and a glorious children’s library that I know I’d have adored growing up.

So, amidst seemingly never ending budget cuts, about 450 libraries in the UK are threatened with closure. I’m very sad at the thought of this, but I have to say that I can’t blame cash strapped councils for thinking they’re not worth it. I visited my library in Aberdeen about once a month at various times of the day and there were rarely more than about 15 people milling about

Lots of people I’ve spoken to have expressed their love for libraries but often can’t remember the last time they went along. It seems we like the idea of the service but not enough to get out and make the most of it. This isn’t always the case though. Users of New Cross library held an overnight sit in protest at the weekend to show their love. Residents of Stony Stratford was so incensed at the prospect of their library closing that they joined forces and withdrew all 16,000 books.

If you love your library and hate to think of the thought of it closing, now is the time to get yourself along and make the most of it, show your love for reading, get your family involved, take your kids along and help them develop a love for the experience, find out about events your library holds and pass it on to everyone you know. If you’ve never been to your local library, why not just pop along one day and see what’s going on.

February – Me Month

I think February might be my favourite month. I like the fullness and the security of it being exactly 28 or 4 weeks. (Ignore me on a leap year though, that extra day freaks me out.) The preciseness of February means that it’s great for challenges (those three fewer days matter if you’re off chocolate for example).

Last February I made the effort to wear a dress or a skirt every single day and took lots of photos of myself doing silly poses like this:

That was a challenge I really enjoyed actually. It forced me to get out of the winter wardrobe jeans and a hoodie slump, get a little creative and wear some of the hundreds of pairs of tights I’ve acquired over the years.

This year I’ve decided to make February “Me Month”, a whole four weeks dedicated to myself, my wants and my needs. I plan on filling the next 28 days with the following:

• Lots of fresh fruit smoothies, water, mint tea.
• Exercise. Some long walks, sit ups, pilates and swimming sessions. I feel ready to embrace running again but my fitness level is so poor that I need to get my lung capacity working first.
• A massage. I don’t often indulge in beauty treatments but my back is so tense that I think 45 minutes of prodding will be a treat.
• Reflection. Sarah has launched Three Things February which is all about blogging/tweeting (I’ll be tweeting) at the end of each day about 3 things that made you smile.
• Extended bathing. Pfft, as if my baths could get any longer. I’m surprised I’m not permanently pruney.
• Facetime. No not the iPhone thingy, actual quality time in the company and presence of people.
• Detox. I’m contemplating doing a super health food week but since the idea only came to me at 2am I need to research a bit more before I decide what’s right for me. Generally I don’t mess about with my diet, I eat what I like, when I like. However, I’m curious to see how a week of superfoods will affect my energy levels.

Me Month is partly about focussing on being healthy but also partly about focussing on making sure each day is a good one whether it’s productive, indulgent or hectic. Spring is just around the corner, I’d like to be ready to tackle it head on and get the most out of this year. Anyone else got special February plans?

Life Tweaking In Progress

I doubt I’m the only person who is approaching the end of January and has, for the most part, forgotten about all their new year good intentions. Having been a particularly crazy month for me, certain things have fallen by the wayside whilst others are in full swing. I’m going to make the effort to revisit them here on the blog once a month, partly to keep myself accountable and partly in case anybody is interested.

• Keep a Spending Diary. Rocking this so far. I bought a cheap notebook and write the dates in myself, usually updating each night. It’s a great way for me to ensure I know what’s going on with my cash.
• Clock at least 200 hours volunteering. I’ve clocked about 10 hours so far. Haven’t started at the new base in Glasgow yet and I’ve also got two more volunteer jobs lined up so I’ll be racking ‘em up soon enough.
• Read more books. With less work to do, I’m firing through my unread books and have already finished 5 this year.
• Take more photos. Blipfoto started out well and then I’ve not even touched my camera this week. In fact I’m not even sure where it is.
• Up my fluid intake. I’m drinking A LOT more water and it feels great. I also bought a bunch of fruit and have been making smoothies every day so I’m going to try to continue this habit for as long as possible.
• No Shopping Sundays. These are doing just fine and whilst some Sundays I’ve spent money (on groceries or going out to lunch) I’ve made the effort to avoid shopping centres and the like.
• Write more letters. I spent a lovely evening writing cards and letters to people at the start of January and they were well received so it’s certainly worth keeping this up.
• Get more involved. If you follow me on Twitter you might have noticed I’m tweeting a lot more things that are relevant to charities. Sometimes it’s a fundraiser or a petition or even just a questionnaire. They’re all very worthy so do check them out.

Back in Aberdeen I walked between 3 and 6 miles most days. As a person who’d rather be eating cake, this was my main form of exercise and now that I’m not working I feel a lot more sluggish. Also, without anything to set the alarm for, I’ve been sleeping until my body wakes up naturally but then often falling back asleep or having a long afternoon snooze and still crashing out by 9pm.

I think part of this is my body’s way of catching up on all the sleep I’ve missed out on in the past four years but now I’m at the stage where I’m just feeling lazy. We’re going back to Aberdeen this weekend for a few things (night at friends, Mogwai gig, my sisters 21st and themeet140) but once we’re back in Ayr I’m planning on spending a week readjusting my sleeping pattern, getting up when I wake up (or earlier) and firing out as much productivity as possible each day. I’m also hoping to get along the the local pool a few times, maybe even get back in my trainers and have a few runs.

The Missing Two Weeks

Oops. Can’t believe it’s been two weeks since my last post, particularly since those two weeks have been a very significant/emotional/topsy-turvy time of my life. Sorry folks. Let’s recap.

So on January 6th I finished my job. I didn’t really feel anything. It was as normal as any other shift, I worked with one of my best friends Louise, we had a giggle, we ordered pizza for tea, my boss gave me flowers (and sang “If you leave me now…”), I cleared out my locker, added a “I no longer work here” auto-reply to my emails and closed up for the night. I wept a little in the car on the way home but nothing like I thought I would.

Friday 7th the full time staff all went out for dinner to a brilliant Greek restaurant, Christo’s, just round the corner from my house. In ten years of living in Aberdeen, I’d never been there. BIG MISTAKE. The food and the atmosphere were amazing. If you live in Aberdeen do go sometime. It’s on John Street.

I’ve been to the cinema. A LOT. I’ve seen 127 Hours (immense), Love and Other Drugs (intense), The Next Three Days (suspense), The King’s Speech (just lovely), Blue Valentine (beautiful but depressing) and Henry’s Crime (worst film I’ve seen this year). I’ve met friends for lunch, for coffee, for beers. I continued volunteering and attended a brilliant belated Christmas party which included team family fortunes which was great. (If you are involved in workplace events, I strongly suggest doing this!)

I have packed. Slowly. Packing for the move mainly involved making a list. The real stuff was done the night before and the morning of moving day. I guess all that decluttering I did in 2010 really paid off! We chose Tuesday 18th January as our moving date although with no sense of urgency it could easily have been put off for longer. By some small miracle we ended up leaving only 1 hour later than we’d planned. GO TEAM!

There are days where I just haven’t known what to do with myself. Some days I didn’t want to get out of bed. On at least two days I didn’t get up at all, instead opting to loaf around in the dark swapping between a few pages of my book and yet another thirty minute snooze. The bath has become my friend. A place of solitude where the sensation of my floating body matches the way my head feels.

Adapting to life without work has been tricky. I’m not stuck for things to do. I have uni work, craft projects, more time to exercise, eat well, read the books that have been unread for years. I need to apply for jobs. I feel there is a lot of (mainly self-imposed) pressure for me to suddenly be doing awesome things, launching some sort of business, kicking life’s ass every day. This has quickly become stressful and I’ve had to take a step back and remind myself that I’ve worked full time (usually with a second job) for the past six years. It’s perfectly ok to sleep in until 11 some days (not every day). Some days I’ve avoided my computer, itself a symbol of the many things I could and should be doing NOW NOW NOW.

We are now staying with Michael’s parents in Ayr (about 1 hour out of Glasgow) until we find paid employment/a flat. I’m enjoying taking the time to adapt to a new area and make the effort to see new friends (big thanks to the folks I’ve met on Twitter who’ve made plans with me. The in-laws have been really accommodating in making space for us and his Mum has even given me the use of her study now that she’s finished her degree! I’ve never had a study before so I quite like doing uni work now!

So for now, life is good. It’s still an adventure, I’m fine with whatever is out there being unknown. And I’m hoping I won’t leave you alone for two weeks anymore.

How am I Supposed to Feel Today?

Today is my last day at my job and I can’t believe how quickly the three months since I made the decision to leave have passed. In a lot of ways it doesn’t feel like it’s really happening. I haven’t been without a job since I was a student at 17 so I’ve no concept of how I’ll feel when I wake up tomorrow and don’t have anything to do. Part of me feels free but part of me feels crippled by the knowledge that all routine and responsibility is now gone. What do I do now?

Of course, I won’t be stuck for things to do. We’re aiming to move in a mere 10 days so there’s all the packing and planning. There are a lot of people I want to see before we go, appointments I really ought to make and I’ve still got a few volunteer shifts.

Bizarrely I don’t seem to feel anything. I’m not jumping for joy at the thought of leaving the company (it really is a great place to work) but I’m not upset either (although I’m sure there’ll be tears before the day is over). I’m not worried about not having a job lined up (because I have savings) but I’m not particularly looking forward to all the free time I’ll have on my hands.

It’s an unusual sensation. I feel incredibly calm during a tide of upheaval. Millions of emotions rush into my mind but seem to pop and dissipate before they’ve had time to register. I find myself staring into space just thinking but can never recall what about.

I’m sure this state of mind will ease out and I’ll feel something soon but in the meantime I’d love some thoughts from those of you who’ve been in similar situations.